And divorce is not the end of a family it’s a reorganization.
The legacy of two decades of a shared life is larger than the legacy of the affair.Įnding a marriage goes beyond the signing of divorce papers.
Such a summation is cruel and shortsighted. But just because he fell in love with another woman doesn’t mean their entire past together was a fraud. Clive and Jade once exchanged vows now they are tearing them up. Why throw all of this out and treat the relationship, in the poetic words of Marguerite Yourcenar, like “an abandoned cemetery where lie, unsung and unhonored, the dead whom they have ceased to cherish”? A marriage is the nexus of an entire life - history, memories, habits, experiences, children, friends, family, celebrations, losses, homes, trips, holidays, treasures, jokes, pictures. Just as we have marriage ceremonies to mark the beginning of a union, we also need rituals to mark the end. I thought they needed to take the time to say a proper goodbye, so I suggested a separation ceremony. It’s time to set her free.” He vacillated between being paralyzed and wanting to run as fast as he could, for fear that if he didn’t bolt, he’d get stuck again. He may not be gone, but he’s not here, either.”Īnd I told Clive, “You keep waiting till you can leave without guilt, and that’s never going to happen. Your sadness makes him feel guilty, and that guilt instantly morphs into anger at you for making him feel bad that he’s making you feel bad. I felt it was my responsibility to decrypt the message that was right in front of us: “Jade, he’s not coming back. I remember her hanging on to every word, gesture and smile from Clive, but all of it was in vain. Jade was desperate, fighting to hold on to him. He felt terribly guilty but had resolved to move on and make a life with his new love. Clive had recently come clean about his secret relationship with Kyra. Two decades, three kids, and one affair later, their marriage was on its last legs, and they came to me for help. I first met them as newlyweds twenty-two years ago, when I led a workshop for mixed-race couples. I see no contradiction in asking a couple about the success of their breakup. When a relationship has run its course, I try - when I can - to help it end with dignity and integrity. Longevity is seen as the ultimate indicator of marital achievement, but plenty of people who stayed “till death do us part” have been miserable. Our culture views divorce as a failure, and even more so when it is precipitated by an infidelity. The first step? Writing goodbye letters to each other. Christina Chung Yes, you can have a successful divorce, says relationship therapist Esther Perel.
0 kommentar(er)
